Unemployed And Reading Twilight
Because sometimes you just have nothing better to do…

Chapter 24: Bella Falls Down Two Flights Of Stairs And Through A Window

I feel like Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I told Harry to feed me the poison and no matter how much I beg, not to stop spooning it to me until it’s all gone. That’s how I feel as I approach the end of Twilight, because I feel that it’s poisoning me, causing me to curl up into a dessicated ball like an old man who drank too much horcrux poison. This might be the last of my Twilight reading medaphors, so I made it big. This is the last chapter in the book (before an epilogue) and I’m not sure if I will be reading the next one. I am unemployed, after all, and books cost money. Even electronic versions of books.

So chapter 24 is pretty long and boring because it’s a resolution and it’s all talk, except towards the end when the nurse comes in to administer drugs. Bella wakes up in a hospital room. Edward is in the room and she finds out that they all lied to the authorities and Bella’s parents about what happened to her. Instead of a story about being assaulted by a vampire, they came up with the genius explanation that Bella “fell down the stairs” and “out a window”.  I know Bella is supposed to be clumsy, but I didn’t know she was an acrobat. Down two flights of stairs isn’t something you do by accident. They do that for comedy films starring Leslie Nielsen. I supposed they had to account for the broken glass. Since Bella already almost got pummelled by a car, might as well reuse that one. A hit and run. Make the culprit someone the police will never find, not a healthcare facility that can be sued and their incompetence pasted all over the evening news. How may people are going to be fired over Bella’s nonexistent spill through a window?

It’s reiterated that Edward had to suck the vampire poison from Bella’s wound, and he liked how her blood tasted. In fact, he said it tasted better than she smells. All innuendos aside, I do recall in the previous chapter, how Edward remarked that he could taste morphine in her blood. For those not paying attention, I think Edward might have a little drug problem. The paleness? The moodiness? It’s heroin. Maybe he’s a junkie and not a vampire. Wait a second, this is young adult fiction here. I guess we’ll have to stick with how he’s naturally built to eat people. That’s MUCH more appropriate than something real and pressing, like drug addiction.

Most of the chapter is Edward and Bella exchanging sweet nothings and arguing about being undead, as in Bella wants to be undead. She doesn’t want to be some old lady while Edward is still young. She believes the only logical step is to make her a hellspawn like Edward. I think at this point we realize how selfish Bella truly is. Edward plays with the idea of breaking up with Bella, of leaving her and moving far away, but Bella insists that he stay and convert her to a blood sucking child of the night. Forget the fact that she will never be able to live a normal life, how she will be overcome with the thirst for sweet newborn baby blood, how she will have to leave her family behind. Yes she will have to explain it to her parents and her parents will have to cope with it. It’s almost like she’s committing suicide, moving on to this new life with her family left in the wake to piece things together. Why? Because she is a teenager in love.

She’s so much in love, that it borders on irrationality. She can’t think of enough adjectives to describe how beautiful Edward is. She panicks when she thinks he’s leaving. Even on the cab ride in phoenix she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Get some balls, lady. Now I understand how women call this sexist. Bella is a freakish mutant of a damsel in distress. And Edward, the manic depressive vampire, seems to be seeing things from a more rational point of view. The relationship will never work unless she’s a vampire, but he knows that being a vampire isn’t cupcakes and lollipops. It hurts. But Bella, insisting that the relationship work, threatens to go to Alice to turn her. What a brat. If I were Edward I would dump her on the spot. There’s no way in hell anyone would want to spend an eternity with that shit. But this is a story, so I guess someone has to act irrationally or else the plot wouldn’t move forward.

The chapter ends with Bella slowly sinking into the clutches of pain killers, and us hoping she will stay there. Edward promises he will never leave, and we all vomit in our corn flakes.

On to the epilogue. I’m so glad it’s over. Stay tuned and find out if I decide to move on to the next book. Hopefully I find a job by then.

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