Unemployed And Reading Twilight
Because sometimes you just have nothing better to do…


I feel like Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I told Harry to feed me the poison and no matter how much I beg, not to stop spooning it to me until it’s all gone. That’s how I feel as I approach the end of Twilight, because I feel that it’s poisoning me, causing me to curl up into a dessicated ball like an old man who drank too much horcrux poison. This might be the last of my Twilight reading medaphors, so I made it big. This is the last chapter in the book (before an epilogue) and I’m not sure if I will be reading the next one. I am unemployed, after all, and books cost money. Even electronic versions of books.

So chapter 24 is pretty long and boring because it’s a resolution and it’s all talk, except towards the end when the nurse comes in to administer drugs. Bella wakes up in a hospital room. Edward is in the room and she finds out that they all lied to the authorities and Bella’s parents about what happened to her. Instead of a story about being assaulted by a vampire, they came up with the genius explanation that Bella “fell down the stairs” and “out a window”.  I know Bella is supposed to be clumsy, but I didn’t know she was an acrobat. Down two flights of stairs isn’t something you do by accident. They do that for comedy films starring Leslie Nielsen. I supposed they had to account for the broken glass. Since Bella already almost got pummelled by a car, might as well reuse that one. A hit and run. Make the culprit someone the police will never find, not a healthcare facility that can be sued and their incompetence pasted all over the evening news. How may people are going to be fired over Bella’s nonexistent spill through a window?

It’s reiterated that Edward had to suck the vampire poison from Bella’s wound, and he liked how her blood tasted. In fact, he said it tasted better than she smells. All innuendos aside, I do recall in the previous chapter, how Edward remarked that he could taste morphine in her blood. For those not paying attention, I think Edward might have a little drug problem. The paleness? The moodiness? It’s heroin. Maybe he’s a junkie and not a vampire. Wait a second, this is young adult fiction here. I guess we’ll have to stick with how he’s naturally built to eat people. That’s MUCH more appropriate than something real and pressing, like drug addiction.

Most of the chapter is Edward and Bella exchanging sweet nothings and arguing about being undead, as in Bella wants to be undead. She doesn’t want to be some old lady while Edward is still young. She believes the only logical step is to make her a hellspawn like Edward. I think at this point we realize how selfish Bella truly is. Edward plays with the idea of breaking up with Bella, of leaving her and moving far away, but Bella insists that he stay and convert her to a blood sucking child of the night. Forget the fact that she will never be able to live a normal life, how she will be overcome with the thirst for sweet newborn baby blood, how she will have to leave her family behind. Yes she will have to explain it to her parents and her parents will have to cope with it. It’s almost like she’s committing suicide, moving on to this new life with her family left in the wake to piece things together. Why? Because she is a teenager in love.

She’s so much in love, that it borders on irrationality. She can’t think of enough adjectives to describe how beautiful Edward is. She panicks when she thinks he’s leaving. Even on the cab ride in phoenix she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Get some balls, lady. Now I understand how women call this sexist. Bella is a freakish mutant of a damsel in distress. And Edward, the manic depressive vampire, seems to be seeing things from a more rational point of view. The relationship will never work unless she’s a vampire, but he knows that being a vampire isn’t cupcakes and lollipops. It hurts. But Bella, insisting that the relationship work, threatens to go to Alice to turn her. What a brat. If I were Edward I would dump her on the spot. There’s no way in hell anyone would want to spend an eternity with that shit. But this is a story, so I guess someone has to act irrationally or else the plot wouldn’t move forward.

The chapter ends with Bella slowly sinking into the clutches of pain killers, and us hoping she will stay there. Edward promises he will never leave, and we all vomit in our corn flakes.

On to the epilogue. I’m so glad it’s over. Stay tuned and find out if I decide to move on to the next book. Hopefully I find a job by then.


Bella wakes up in a haze, so unfortunately she did not die in the previous chapter, which we all hoped for but knew it wasn’t going to happen, seeing as there are a couple more books to go. She talks about thinking she was dead because she heard an angel calling her name. But oh, no. Quite the opposite. What she was hearing wasn’t from heaven, but the other place, where souls burn for eternity in fire and brimstone. Where baby-eating spawns of oblivion like Edward are born from the agonizing cries of people who will die endless deaths only to wake up again to die the same agonizing deaths for eternity. Yeah, that’s what Edward is, and the ones suffering endless deaths are us. The ones who read Stephanie Meyer’s books. For me, though, it’s voluntary. So I guess I’m like one of those psychos who WANT to suffer for eternity, even if it’s just for educational purposes. But I digress.

After having her head bashed into a mirror, her leg broken and her hand bitten, you’d think she would die, but instead Carlisle works on her, possibly turning her into a melodramatic version of Robocop. Instead, Edward sucks the “poison” out of her wound. Otherwise, as explained earlier, Bella will either die or turn into a bloodsucking demon from hell. It wasn’t the life force sucking that we all wanted, though. In this universe, vampires don’t suck human blood for sustenance and eat the flesh of their victims. At least these ones don’t. Instead they do it to SAVE people from becoming undead husks of their former selves.

This is probably one of the shortest chapters ever, so there really is no more plot to discuss, and that’s a relief because I already had my share of bad writing. I saw a caption on a crayon picture drawn by a 4 year old.


It was amazing how every cell in my body seemed to know he was coming, to long for his coming. That made it very hard

Question: Did Stephanie Meyer look at her own shit before she flushed?

I read Chapter 22 a few months ago and it took me this long to write my summary because I became engrossed in reading The Hunger Games trilogy.  In fact, the other day, I had no clue where I was in this book, so I actually started reading a summary for Chapter 23. Guilty! I read ahead, but only as a result of taking my own sweet time with Twilight. What’s it been? Two years? I’m like that kid in grade school who had to listen to everyone groan when his turn came to read aloud because he was an excruciatingly slow reader.

In this chapter, Bella makes a Kate Austin-esque (yes that is a Lost reference) escape from the airport bathroom via a restroom with two exits. The problem is she’s escaping from the creatures who are probably most suited to help her out… vampires. Who best to deal with predatory vampires than other vampires? Instead Bella wants to save her mom from becoming a meal so she escapes. The problem is, her efforts are moot since she fell for the ultimate bluff: the hostage doesn’t really exist. Mommy was in Florida with her baseball boy toy the whole time, so not only was Bella wasting her time, but she effectively separated herself from those who were protecting her.

The bad guy vampire eventually smashes her up, breaks her leg , throws her into a couple of mirrors and then bites her. I don’t know who to cheer for, Bella or the vampire, because to be honest Bella kind of deserves this. She made a bad choice and she’s paying for it.

Now here’s the problem I have with this story so far. Bella escaped from Jasper and Alice with almost no effort whatsoever, except for running, which she is obviously bad at because she tripped like three times on the way home. The restroom had two exits making this easy, but I still have a problem with this.

Teen Vampires

I don’t understand. They’re teenagers on the outside, but inside they’re decades old. You’d think they would have grown out of their teenage idiocy and grown some common sense. They were told to protect Bella, yet after Bella insists Jasper, a male, come with her because he has the power of artificially creating a warm fuzzy feelings sphere, nobody thought that maybe this would potentially put her in danger, since Jasper is a boy and he’s not allowed in the girls restroom. So because they wanted to spare Bella a few minutes of discomfort they allowed her to escape. This is a completely naive and immature mistake to make. You’d think that creatures of the night who are tormented day and night by their thirst for human flesh would understand that a few minutes of pain and suffering is NOTHING. And it’s not like Bella is dying. She’s just scared, just like any other annoying teenage girl would be in this situation.

Useless Powers

Alice explains to Bella that her powers aren’t foolproof. No big deal, right? I mean Superman couldn’t see a chunk of kryptonite if it was stored in a lead box. The problem is her explanation was also supposed to explain why she couldn’t see Bella’s escape plan, because once people change their path, she can’t predict what happens next. The problem with that logic is that making decisions is part of someones path whether they know it or not. So why couldn’t Alice predict that Bella was going to make a decision to escape? Because of this little loophole, Alice’s abilities are basically useless because people change their minds all the time. If someone wanted to stab Bella, Alice could see this, but if they decided to shoot her instead, this screws up her entire prescient ability. Maybe I’m being nitpicky, but it just creates a huge plot hole.

Maybe this will all be explained. Maybe vampirism stunts all growth, even the changing of synapses in the brain which usually allows people to develop common sense. Maybe it’s like that little girl from Interview With A Vampire who stays seven years old forever in a grotesque bit of irony. Who knows? Don’t tell me because I’m going to trudge through the rest, as the beetle trudges through piles of cow shit.


…because reading Twilight is like taking a sitz bath in concentrated sulfuric acid while listening to Fall Out Boy.

I apologize in advance for this reversion to scatological humor, but don’t tell me this hasn’t been bugging you.

So I was just thinking. Bella forgot to ask a question that has been plaguing me ever since I started reading this book. Do vampires poop? I mean they’re so perfect and beautiful. They obviously eat the sweet innocent flesh of virgins. So where does this meat go after ingestion by said beautiful sparkly vampires? Does it magically teleport into the land of sparkles and unicorns where it is converted into gumdrop rivers? Or is this a secret the author doesn’t want to disclose, for the fear of destroying her Victorian era idealist story of forbidden love? Does she not want to let us know that Edward shits in the woods? Is vampire poop actually made up of solid (or liquid) chunks of pure evil which, if you touch them, turn you into smoking piles of ash? This is what I’m going to assume unless, upon further reading, it is made clear to me.


This chapter was so short I was able to fit all of it into one trip to the toilet. Somehow the combination of Twilight and Toilet seemed to belong together. I’m not sure why. This is possibly a subject I will tackle some time in the future. But for now, let’s check out what happened in Chapter 21: Phone Call.

The name of the chapter isn’t just a clever pun or anything. The chapter really is about a phone call. But first Bella discovers from Alice’s psychic drawings that the evil vamps have been scoping out Bella’s mom’s house. This sends Bella into a panic and she selfishly pushes away the vamps who are trying to help her and locks herself in a bedroom. Meanwhile I’m sure Jasper and Alice are talking shit about her in the living room. I know I would. But as we learned they’re not really concerned about Bella at all. They’re concerned about Edward and his brooding and vapid personality and how they don’t want to deal with that shit for another one hundred years. So they need Bella, if not for a tasty snack, for the sake of not wanting to murder their sibling. When Bella finally comes out they find out that Edward is coming to get her, to take her away while Alice and Jasper watch over Bella’s mother.

A phone call comes in and it’s Bella’s mother, but it turns out she’s actually being held hostage by a bad guy vampire. In an exchange that left me kind of confused as to what the bad guy actually wants other than for Bella to leave the hotel, he makes Bella pretend that she is talking to her mother on the phone while trying not to sound panicked. I’m sure this was an easy task for Bella seeing as she lies to her friends all the time about how she feels. All that practice pays off and nobody suspects a thing as Bella hangs up the phone and lies to Alice about what’s going on. She then writes a note to Edward telling him not to come after her because she’s afraid he will get hurt.

The chapter ends right there, but what happens next? My guess is that Bella escapes and Edward is pissed off at Alice for letting her go. Edward goes to rescue Bella but he’s too late. All that’s left of her is bones and entrails. In fact, Edward can’t tell the remains apart from Bella’s mom, who was also mauled in the attack. Edward can’t resist… it’s the blood. Sweet delicious blood. He sobs as he stoops by the mangled body parts…


It’s been a year since I summarized a chapter so bear with me if I forget some information or if I repeat an incredulous interjection, such as “Holy shit! This is awful!” or something similar. I’m assuming something happened in the last chapter that sent Bella to Phoenix to be trapped in a gaudy hotel room with two blood suckers, like she pulled up a mattress and discovered bedbugs. Speaking of blood sucking vermin…

It’s also in this chapter that we are treated to a half-assed explanation as to what makes a vampire a vampire in this universe. Bella asks Alice how vampires are made, and Alice is reluctant because Edward would be angry if she divulged the secret. Perhaps he wants to be the one to teller. Maybe he doesn’t want to air their dirty laundry. After all the vamps are basically glorified sparkly love children of Nosferatu and Countess Bathory… you know that insane Hungarian chick from the 1600s who used to bathe in virgin blood in order to maintain her own youthfulness. Perhaps Edward is embarrassed. After all, this is pretty much the birds and the bees in the sparkly hell spawn universe. So here’s a paraphrasing of how Alice describes it.

  • Vampires are basically predators, like lions or wolverines, only more like spiders and scorpions because they have venom. The venom’s purpose is to incapacitate the prey.
  • The whole idea is that the vampire has to eat the prey. Feast on it’s flesh and imbibe the sweet sweet lifeforce of the victim’s blood. Otherwise the venom will run it’s course.
  • If the venom runs it’s course, the prey becomes a vampire.
So contrary to your standard vampire lore, there is no drinking of vampire blood, no first kills, nothing. All the victim would need to do is lay there wishing for death as the wussy vampire venom runs it’s course. Apparently this is what Carlisle did to the rest of the kids. He made them endure days of torture to finally become minions of hell, much like Indiana Jones drinking the blood of the Kali. Only this time fire will not wake Edward and pals from their nightmares. Only a stake through the heart will end their suffering. Or holy water. Then again, all these things likely do not work since Stephanie Meyer basically shat on what we all knew about vampires.
So this explanation of how one becomes a vampire leads to a few possible conclusions:
  • Vampires are like Spiderman. They are injected with some kind of venom that changes their DNA, just like how Peter Parker was bitten by the radioactive spider!
  • Vampirism is just a form of STD like Hepatitis.
  • Alice was just talking out of her ass and just made up some BS explanation so Bella would shut the hell up already.
Edward eventually calls and Bella stops being a bitch for the few seconds they’re on the phone. He’s just checking in. Making sure his food is still warm, because once this is all over Bella is dinner. They proclaim their love for each other. Edward wonders if Bella could love him after he put her in this situation. But in the Twilight universe, love has no bounds. I mean love is what caused Carlisle to damn the Cullens to an eternity of blood thirst and crappy romance. Why not put your girlfriend in the path of predators?
Alice dreams about a dance studio and a stereo and a VCR. Perhaps that’s what the evil vamps have in mind for Bella. Ballet lessons. Or maybe they’re going to force her to watch health videos about STDs or not driving while drunk. That’s usually what a VCR in a gym meant when I was in high school. Then again, this is fiction. It’s pretty vague what this actually means, only that Bella remembers a traumatic experience in her life where she was shunned by her ballet teacher for being herself. This freaks Bella out, thinking the vampires are going to try to find her at her childhood home in Phoenix. Luckily her mom is out of town cougaring it up with the minor league baseball player, so Bella leaves a message and tells her to call back.
This is getting way too exciting for me. Will Bella finally get away from the evil vampires? Will Bella’s mom get eaten? Will Edward finally fulfill his desire, drinking of Bella’s sweet sweet virgin blood? Will the superfluous adverbs finally cease? Stay tuned for Chapter 21. Hopefully I get this job so I don’t have to read on. Unemployed life sucks!

Part of it is laziness. Hell, it’s been more than a year and I’m stuck on chapter… I don’t even know what chapter I left off on. I have some excuses to throw out there. First of all, from November to May I actually was working, so the title of this blog didn’t seem relevant anymore. Of course, I could have kept it to be ironic and to keep cranking out my chapter summaries. I hated my job. Every day I came home and I just wanted to sleep. I tried not to complain. Working is sometimes better than being homeless, and not all of us could write up a huge marketing juggernaut like Stephanie Meyer did.

The last Twilight films are coming out, and that doesn’t leave me much time to trudge through the last few chapters of the first book. It’s difficult. As I recall reading Twilight is like swimming in a pool full of those South American fish that like to swim up into urethrae. Hold tight. I have to review everything before going on because I forgot just about everything about this book. What have Bella and Edward been up to, other than being annoying and vapid and just all up in each other’s shit? We will soon find out.


There’s really nothing else I can say about this chapter other than it’s short and sweet and it involves even less common sense than the preceding chapter.

This is getting uglier. Bella shows us what she’s truly capable when she storms into the house and puts on a show, telling Charlie that she hates it in Forks and she dumped Edward because she can’t do it anymore. She summons traumatic memories of the separation between her parents and takes on the role of her mother when she tells Charlie to let her go. This kind of opens some psychological doors into the world of Bella Swan. She’s so frigid because she observed her parents having a fight which ended up in her mother screwing a minor league baseball player. By the way, Bella’s mother was returning to Forks because her boyfriend wasn’t cutting it in the minors. This announcement by Charlie throws Bella a curve (pun intended), which leads to a more hurried and awkward scene. Bella hurries out and says “I’ll call you”. Of course, she’s doing all this to protect Charlie, even though as we see later…

The tracker vamp doesn’t even stop at Charlie’s house. He catches the scent and moves on, which makes that whole effort pretty worthless. They make it back to the Cullen house where Laurent is discussing with the other vamps that he just joined James because James was a badass. It turns out Laurent is just a big French pussy and he takes off leaving the rest to fight James and the chick. At this point I’m wondering why they just don’t end it right here. It’s like six against two, and each one has their own superpower. Are they going through all this trouble just to protect Bella? It turns out that James’s hunt for Bella is more personal than the fact that to vampires she’s like a Frango truffle in a bag of Hershey’s Kisses. Protecting her was like a challenge, and James can’t turn down a challenge even if it means going through undue trouble.

I’ll tell you one thing. If I needed to run across a busy expressway to get to a deep dish pizza, it’s just not worth it. I’ll go home and order something else. Chinese food, for example.

The vamps attempt to throw off the scent by having Esme switches clothes with Bella. This is only after Rosalie refused to switch clothes with Bella. Honestly I don’t blame her. It’s not worth it. Esme leaves in the jeep and James follows. Bella leaves with Alice.

I can’t wait to see what happens next. Ok, maybe I can.


I’m not going to lie. I became giddy when the three vampires showed up because I thought that there was a chance that Bella will finally get eaten and we won’t have to listen to her anymore. That would have defied logic, however, because she is narrating the story and how could she narrate a story if she’s dead? In addition to that, there are like three more books, and I know from the movie posters that Bella is still alive. That is, unless she becomes undead, which would be kind of awesome. If anyone in this story deserves to live an eternity of blood thirst, it’s her.

These three vamps appear while our friends are playing baseball and the first thing they do is ask if they could play, too. That would totally be my first reaction if I was a vampire that came across other vampires playing baseball, other than “what the shit?”. So there are three of them. Two males and a female. They moved like cats and dressed like they shopped at LL Bean, except they didn’t wear any shoes. The woman, Victoria, had red hair and twitched like she had tourettes. One of the dudes, James, stayed in back. The leader of the three was a French guy named Laurent. Carlisle tells the three vamps that they were done playing baseball and were about to head home, and he invites them over. Laurent says they just ate in a coy manner, indicating that they ate some people.

At one point during the exchange they realize that Edward is concealing some food, whom Laurent refers to as “a snack”, to which Edward reacts defensively like a dog protecting his kibble. We find out later that James is some kind of a hunter. He tracks down humans to eat, which makes no sense because if a vampire wanted to eat a human all they need to do is go grab one from the mall or a football game or something. Why go through the trouble of ordering out when you have some perfectly good food in the refrigerator? So this lapse in logic moves us to the next scene where Edward, Alice and Emmett are fleeing the scene with Bella while Carlisle and the others make their way back to the house with their guests, and they go over various plans to hide Bella so that the vamps don’t track her down and eat her. You know that moment in Star Wars where Luke Skywalker realizes that the storm troopers tracking the droids will eventually lead them back… home? Well, that’s what will happen and Charlie will be stuck in the crossfire, and possibly become a meal, himself.

This is where it gets a bit convoluted. The plan is to make the three vamps think that Bella is running away back to Phoenix, but instead she is going to hide somewhere else, so when the vamps go to Phoenix to find her they won’t. Phoenix is a big city and it will take them forever to figure it out.

Or wait… they’re going to make the vamps think she’s lying about going to Phoenix and then she’s really going to go to Phoenix because they know that we know that they know that we know that she’s not really going, which she is, but then since she’s really going, they’ll think that they know that they don’t know that we know that…

But at the same time, they have to make sure Charlie doesn’t suspect Edward kidnapped Bella, so Bella will go to Phoenix alone and Edward will follow after a few days, long enough for the lie to permeate enough to be believable. At the end of the scheming one thing is certain: they’re all going to hell.

Ok so what have we established?

1. James is a tracker and will eventually track down Bella because obviously she satisfies hunger better than other humans and therefore
2. Bella is a Snickers bar
3. Bella needs to get away
4. Charlie needs to be protected
5. Charlie needs to be made to believe that Bella ran away to Phoenix and that Edward didn’t kidnap and rape her
6. The three vamps need to come to realize that Bella is running away to Phoenix, however
7. They need to realize that Bella is lying about going to Phoenix and is actually hiding out in Washington, however
8. What they don’t know is that Bella is lying about lying about going to Phoenix because
9. She really is going to Phoenix.
10. This list doesn’t exactly clear things up
11. They’re all a bunch of liars
12. This plan assumes the three vamps are morons and can’t just eat other humans to avoid a trip to Phoenix


I have a feeling that one of the main reasons I’m getting so desperate to find a job is because that would mean the end of this blog, because the title would cease to be relevant. And since I would no longer have so much free time, I would have to cut out a few activities, and I’m afraid reading certain pieces of literature will not make the cut. Reading Twilight dot com just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Times are getting desperate because reading Twilight is like getting a root canal without Novocaine and I feel that I need to at least finish the first book before I get a job. Also because I want to see Vampires Suck, and I probably won’t “get” it unless I saw the first Twilight film.

Screen shot from Vampires Suck

At the beginning of chapter 17, Edward takes Bella home so she could change into playground clothes so she can stand and watch a game of “baseball”. But her plans are almost foiled by the presence of the villainous Billy and Jacob Black. Ok, they’re not really villainous, but Bella, being the clueless bitch that she is, doesn’t seem to realize that Billy is looking out for her because she is dating a vampire. Typically werewolves also like to feast on human flesh (let’s pretend that it’s been established that the Blacks are werewolves. My source being previously mentioned Burger King commercials and sketch parodies and also overheard conversations between creepy 40-year-old women who want to bang Edward). Bella treats Billy like a meddling old man, which I can’t argue with, because that’s pretty much what he’s doing. I’m sure if he knew Bella’s true colors he would just let the vampires have her. I know I would. Eat up, my sparkly friends! Rid the world of this demonic child!

Charlie comes home later and Bella admits that she is dating Edward. Charlie takes it very well. If he knew the truth, I’m pretty sure he would have told her what a fool she is and probably send her back to Phoenix where maybe she can date a cactus, which wouldn’t be that much different from dating Edward. But he doesn’t know. Bella keeps that little detail to herself. Edward comes over and is a real charmer. If I were Charlie, I would be thinking, “hey this kid is acting too nice. Also he’s really pale and looks constipated. That can only mean one thing. Crack.” All Eddie Haskell comparisons aside… wait a second… Edward… Eddie Haskell? Holy shit! Now I understand. Leave it to beaver. Beavers live in Washington. Wow, Stephanie Meyer is almost as good as JK Rowling at drawing up references to older works.

Edward drives Bella out to the forest and this becomes a kissing book. Edward kisses Bella at different points on her face, and the whole time i’m wondering if he’s just sampling. Even the most professional chefs sample their own food while prepping it. Bella probably needs salt. She’s pretty dull. I’m sure she tastes like paper. Add some paprika to that bitch.

They stop so Edward can give Bella another piggy back ride to where they are going to play “baseball”, or at least a vampire bastardization of the sport. Bella is just going to watch, and Esme tells her that she acts as a referee, even though baseball actually has umpires. I’m sure this was an oversight by the editors. At any rate, they play this game of baseball. Three guys on each team and they hit the ball so hard it thunders. This is why they play during thunderstorms. Because someone in the distance will mistake a baseball hitting an aluminum bat at high speed as thunder. I’m wondering if the writer has ever heard an aluminum bat hit a baseball. It doesn’t go “Boom”, it goes “Clunk”. Someone out in the distance, say Seattle, is probably hearing the clunk and thinking, “Holy shit, we had better investigate that loud clunking sound. It might be vampires playing baseball.” Not to mention the physics of how hard these vamps can swing. They would probably destroy the bats. Dent the shit out of them. So the balls go flying. In a baseball stadium they are uncatchable, but when you’re in the forest and you have vampires, I guess it doesn’t matter. Edward flies out to catch a fly ball. These bastardized baseball rules cause arguments among the family while Esme tries to “referee” by calling outs.

Eventually the vampires become conscious of some “things” approaching. They never specify who or what it is, but judging from the way they start to protect Bella, I’m willing to bet it’s more vampires, most likely vampires who aren’t as lame as Edward. Maybe finally we’ll get some action. Some true vampires who want to feast on human flesh. I can only pray.